TRS Draft - who will make the cut?

Not being a professional athlete I have little to no experience with being drafted. Can I be myself and still be eligible for selection?  With Team TRS you bet your ass!  There are tons of "teams" out there, but they are all looking for a cookie cutter athlete to represent them; how boring, no thanks.  I want to be part of a team of people that have personalities and can carry on a discussion that doesn't involve their daily workout or Ironman or the latest compression gear. People who don't take themselves too seriously, like this douchebag:

So, why should Team TRS draft me? 

Well, I did offer to get a cock tattoo and I will stand by that.  No joke.  If picked for team TRS I will agree to get the tattoo within 30 days of being accepted.  It will be at least 1x1” (that’s real inches boys).  It will not be on my face, neck or hands (sorry, those are reserved for if I go to prison one day).  There will be a live play by play via twitter, mostly consisting of swearing because it fucking hurts!

In the 5 years I have been competing in triathlons I have been on the podium, last out of the water, 3^rd chick off the bike, escorted to the medical tent, crashed 5s out of T2, warned about my language while cursing drafters and stopped mid-race to partake in a tokillyah shot with some locals.  The TRS name will get plenty of diverse exposure.

We like to pose with babies post race, helps with the image.

Our annual beer mile is in it's 5th year and continues to grow.  20+ people in 2014.  This equates to a great opportunity to pass along the TRS message.  One year a friend donated a gift certificate for anal bleaching, the guy who won it is now a regular customer – just sayin’

Yes, he is wearing compression sleeves, but he did win, so maybe they DO work....hmmmm, interesting.

I can't offer any kind of beer sponsorship, but I trained as a chef for several years before becoming a geologist so I have cooking and investment advice to share with the group.

All in the past, you can trust my stock tips.

Team TRS could use some Canadians and as a west coast representative I could educate any visitors about our awesome accents, abundance of weed and of course the growing number of hipsters here in Vancouver.

Currently in producion: The Real Hipsters of Vancouver.  Sadly, not a joke.

While I take racing seriously (mostly), it is just a hobby. At Team TRS events and via social media I can regale everyone with tales of living in a trailer in the middle of the Yukon, how I came to be known as "Rambo's Girlfriend" while working in Argentina, how I once saw two grizzly bears fight to the death and how I became a member of the Sourtoe Cocktail club.  We can also talk about triathlon if you want, but if you are wearing a visor or compression socks I will likely mock you.

You might be wondering at this point, is this chick all sass and no class?  No sir! I can clean up pretty well:

Pre-race

Post race.  Not much difference, both include wine.

I will leave you with this final note.  I believe I would be a good fit for Team TRS because I am dedicated (tattoo - hello!!?), funny (fuck that, I am hilarious), fit (offseason excluded), and can drink most of you (save perhaps the other Canadians and Europeans) under the table.

Before you do a background check (highly recommended), things you should know:

1. I am a recovering crossfitter.
2. I once put toilet water in my bosses latte.
3. I have been tasered, pepper sprayed and tear gassed.  All on separate occasions.