TRS Draft - who will make the cut?

Not being a professional athlete I have little to no experience with being drafted. Can I be myself and still be eligible for selection?  With Team TRS you bet your ass!  There are tons of "teams" out there, but they are all looking for a cookie cutter athlete to represent them; how boring, no thanks.  I want to be part of a team of people that have personalities and can carry on a discussion that doesn't involve their daily workout or Ironman or the latest compression gear. People who don't take themselves too seriously, like this douchebag:

So, why should Team TRS draft me? 

Well, I did offer to get a cock tattoo and I will stand by that.  No joke.  If picked for team TRS I will agree to get the tattoo within 30 days of being accepted.  It will be at least 1x1” (that’s real inches boys).  It will not be on my face, neck or hands (sorry, those are reserved for if I go to prison one day).  There will be a live play by play via twitter, mostly consisting of swearing because it fucking hurts!

In the 5 years I have been competing in triathlons I have been on the podium, last out of the water, 3^rd chick off the bike, escorted to the medical tent, crashed 5s out of T2, warned about my language while cursing drafters and stopped mid-race to partake in a tokillyah shot with some locals.  The TRS name will get plenty of diverse exposure.

We like to pose with babies post race, helps with the image.

Our annual beer mile is in it's 5th year and continues to grow.  20+ people in 2014.  This equates to a great opportunity to pass along the TRS message.  One year a friend donated a gift certificate for anal bleaching, the guy who won it is now a regular customer – just sayin’

Yes, he is wearing compression sleeves, but he did win, so maybe they DO work....hmmmm, interesting.

I can't offer any kind of beer sponsorship, but I trained as a chef for several years before becoming a geologist so I have cooking and investment advice to share with the group.

All in the past, you can trust my stock tips.

Team TRS could use some Canadians and as a west coast representative I could educate any visitors about our awesome accents, abundance of weed and of course the growing number of hipsters here in Vancouver.

Currently in producion: The Real Hipsters of Vancouver.  Sadly, not a joke.

While I take racing seriously (mostly), it is just a hobby. At Team TRS events and via social media I can regale everyone with tales of living in a trailer in the middle of the Yukon, how I came to be known as "Rambo's Girlfriend" while working in Argentina, how I once saw two grizzly bears fight to the death and how I became a member of the Sourtoe Cocktail club.  We can also talk about triathlon if you want, but if you are wearing a visor or compression socks I will likely mock you.

You might be wondering at this point, is this chick all sass and no class?  No sir! I can clean up pretty well:

Pre-race

Post race.  Not much difference, both include wine.

I will leave you with this final note.  I believe I would be a good fit for Team TRS because I am dedicated (tattoo - hello!!?), funny (fuck that, I am hilarious), fit (offseason excluded), and can drink most of you (save perhaps the other Canadians and Europeans) under the table.

Before you do a background check (highly recommended), things you should know:

1. I am a recovering crossfitter.
2. I once put toilet water in my bosses latte.
3. I have been tasered, pepper sprayed and tear gassed.  All on separate occasions.

Black Diamond Half Ironman - Meh day for me, but good result.

After the lack lustre half iron in July I thought for sure I was ready to rip it up in Enumclaw, WA for the Black Diamond half iron.  Not so much.  Well, let me clarify, I was 6th woman overall and 2nd in my age group, but placing is completely relative so I never use it to measure success.  I felt good on the swim.  Thought for sure it would be a good time, but when I looked at my watch as I crawled out of Deep Lake and saw 37:07 I couldn't help but mutter, "WTF?!".  Oh well, swimming has never been my strong point, moving on to the bike.  

Legs felt heavy right away, "oh crap" I thought, this is going to be a LOOOOONG day.  I decided to hammer regardless and told my legs to "SHUT-UP!" a-la Jens Voigt.  The course was fast at points, but numerous turnarounds, some deceptive false flats and small rollers and a dropped bag full of Pit Stop and a $100 tubular slowed my pace a bit.  I expected more from myself on this bike course, but felt like I gave it all I could on the day.  At least the legs finally came around at the 2hr mark.  I came in off the bike in 4th with some strong runners right behind me, two of which were in my age group.  

Breaking the run up into 30 min segments helped me to keep focused for most of the run.  There were two out and backs (hills might I add) that we had to do twice - brutal.  Each time though I would see the only other woman wearing a Betty Designs kit and we would each yell out, "good job Betty!".  I also got a compliment on my hat from the woman running in first place.  My fashion choices seemed to be making up for the lack of ANYTHING in my legs.  I felt pretty good during the run, the legs weren't too bad, just a bit heavy.  I tried to pick up the pace a few times, but my brain said no and my legs listened.  I decided to just gut it out and not let any other women in my age group pass me.  I kept my eye on the one that was 100m ahead and never let her get any further.  I had no idea where I was in the placing, but figured if I learned anything from this race it should be how to fight to the bitter end.  I waited until the last 2km that was on a trail around the lake.  I reeled the chick in and as Jeff has told me numerous times, I waited for a section where she was slowing and I could hammer by; on a downhill is where she slowed for some reason, so I went!  S*&#!  I thought, too early!  There is still 1.5km to go, but I told my brain to STFU and let my legs go and just ran as fast as I could for the final km.  I looked behind a few times and there was no one there, but I couldn't let up just in case.  I crossed the line in a pathetic time of 5:25 (yes time is relative to each person, it's a good time, but not for me at this point in the season) and had no idea what my placing was and didn't care - just get me a beer people!  

After a quick dunk in the lake to refresh it was off to the beer and food tent.  One thing is for sure, AA Sports does this event RIGHT!  Each competitor got two free beers, a huge plate of food (salad, fruits, rice, pulled pork and even strawberry shortcake with whip cream!), a giant medal and a nice finisher shirt.  As I crammed the shortcake down my gullet and enjoyed the beer Jeff milled around the results table waiting to find out his placing.  Turns out he biked and ran his way into 5th overall and 2nd in his age group with a 4:48!!  While my time wasn't as stellar, our placings were pretty much the same so we collected our hardware and headed home all the while already planning to come back next year :)